$%&@!

Right off the bat for New Year, stepped into a giant pile of dog poo and then crashed into a bunch of stuff in the kitchen destroying crap. None of this was with the benefit of alcohol in my system.2010, you are doing nothing for your case to convince me that you do not deserve horrible horrible destruction.

I STILL FUNCTION

Urg, been a while since I worked on this blog, sorry >_>

I've been spending most of my time updating my other blog over at Trustyhenchmen with constant reviews and stuff like that. Between that, tons of work, and the holidays I've just been lazy over here with my plots for destruction and world domination. With the exception of the giant doomsday robot gorilla, that project was completed but I forgot to actually install an 'on' switch. You all caught another lucky break with that one.
I promise I'll start posting somewhat regularly here again, at the very least to rant mad threats at the world and curse the names of my enemies. Actually, probably only to do that.

You can call me The Conqueror.

I'm turning into one of those guys who apologizes for updating their blogs late, aren't I?

Past couple weeks have been sort of hell weeks, but that's still a sucky excuse. So let's try to make up for it here with a crapton of stuff.

First off, WIEC? has seen fit to gift me with a blogger award, something I obviously don't deserve but am very grateful for. It means a lot to me that people actually read my mad ramblings, and he's been a long time reader (infinite patience must be your super-power, btw). What's the award? It's the Honest Scrap Award and here are the details:
1) link back to the awarder's site.

2) pass the award on to 10 other blogger sites.
3) spit out 10 honest things about yourself.

So, link back is taken care of. Making up a small list is kinda tricky because I think a ton of people need a good shout out, but for now here are a bunch of sites I think deserve plenty of attention.

1) The Bronze Age of Blogs

2) Building Batman

3) Pai

4) The Horror of it All

5) Geek Orthodox

6) I Like Horror Movies

7) It's Clobberin' Time!

8) And Now The Screaming Starts

9) Amazon Princess

10) Killer Kittens From Beyond The Grave

So now for the third item. 10 honest things about myself is kinda tricky, because I hate to do these type of personal lists. Here's my best go:

1) If it has Shirley Manson or Karen O in it, I will most likely check it out.

2) If I had to take a guess, I would blame a mixture of Transformers, GI Joe, and Spider-Man for my moral development. But it could be worse, at least I know that freedom is the right of all sentient beings and with great power comes great responsibility. And if you fire lasers at people, no one will ever get hurt.pic via DylanGreene

3) I've only seen the first season of Battlestar Galactica. I really liked it, it's just a slow process for me to catch up on these things.

4) I've been working in comic retail for 15 years. Consider every year a reprieve from the eventual doom I will rain down upon the world. The doom will be fiery. Not wet. Like normal rain.

5) I have no idea sometimes. Really.

6) I generally do prefer animals over people. If a customer ties up their dog outside so they can come into the store, I actually would prefer it if it was the other way around.

7) I don't have any inclination towards table top gaming. No D&D, no Magic, just not the stuff I'm into.

9) I did have a lvl 80 Undead Mage named Wrathamon in World of Warcraft. I cancelled my account back in April though, so the online gaming geekery has been put to a stop for now. But he totally got the Conqueror title, which I would like to point out was a bitch to get. Only 1 person in 3 years of playing that damn game ever picked up where my characters name came from, and it was practically on my last day too.

10) I haven't bought a new console game since GTA San Andreas. So yes, that means Playstation 2 was the last system I owned. So very far behind.

I think that about covers it. Thanks again to WIEC? for the shout out, and ideally I'll get off my bum and get some more writing done here soon.

Comic Speculators

When I was younger, I liked the idea that the comics I bought at the time could potentially be worth something down the road. I was always excited when I could afford some sort of 1st appearance of a character, and always had a list of books to look for. Keep in mind, affordable for me as a 11 year old was like the first appearance of Hydro-Man or Cloak & Dagger.
And man. I loved the hell out of that Hydro-Man issue. I would show it to my mom or brother and go "Look! 1st appearance of Hydro-Man!" and they would go "......who?" And I would reply "HE'S TOTALLY MADE OUT OF WATER. HE'S LIKE SANDMAN. BUT NOT. AND WHEN THEY RUN INTO EACH OTHER THEY MAKE THIS MUD MONSTER THING."

......sad, really.

As time went on, I could afford stuff like the first Alpha Flight or Black Cat, or maybe something like a beat up copy with the first Ocean Master. The thing is, while I always thought, "Wow, these things are worth money.", my mind never made the next leap which was "And then I will sell it." Because I loved just collecting and reading the damn things. I think a lot of us go on to value the read more as we become adults, as well as the collecting aspect.

In general I think most people would like their copies to be nice copies. If your book has a big tear or printing error, you usually will switch it out. On the flip side of that, many readers just want the content and don't care at all. Personally I'm in the middle, because while I would like to buy a nice copy, I'll take what I can take. If I damage the book at home, oh well, sucks but I read it and I don't really need to waste more money.

Then you have the pure speculators.

The reason I bring this up is that I had this one customer who really really really embodies the worse aspects of this hobby. It wasn't because of just one thing he did either, but of a super combo attack that was just......utterly breathtaking in it's dickery, is the only way I can describe it.

We start off with the detail that during his last visit, he was in a rush and asked my female coworker to pull down a variant copy of Captain America Reborn #1 from one of our walls. The specific request was "Only put it in my box if it's in perfect shape." The guy left right after asking that, so he wanted us to hold it for him. Ok, no biggie. My coworker pulls it down, and noticed it had the tiniest of tiny tiny spine dents. Tiny. I told her to go ahead and put it in his subscription box so he can judge by himself.

So the dude comes in when it's just me. I grab his books, and he pulls that one out. Angrily, he proclaims, "I told her to ONLY pull this if it was perfect." Tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny dent. Ever so tiny. I just tell him, well it's alright you don't have to buy it. We just weren't sure because everyone has a different concept on grading. To which he replied, "The guys at CGC would give me so much crap for sending this in!"

That's a superstrike right there for me, because I'm not a big fan of slabbing books. For those unfamilair, you can send your comics to a grading company that appraises your comic, seals it in an airtight container, and sends it back to you with a grade on a scale of 1-10. We've done it as a store before, I completely understand the benefits for online purchasing, it's all cool if you want to for your own collection. I will never slab a book though, and I'm not crazy when people brag about that crap. Simply because CGC slabbing is kind of the opposite of the entire damn point of enjoying a comic.

So, we move on from this and I take the book back. The next push in the combo of stupidity was when he complained about how my coworker 'handled' the comics. Apparently sometimes she grabs the pile by the spine. Seriously. Look, if a worker just grabbed a pile and tossed it hard at the counter then I would be pissed. My coworker does not do that. I mean I grab piles by the spine. I grab them by two hands. I grab them by the top. I friggin' grab them however the hell I grab them because I am just getting your comics. It's not an art form. There is no definitive way of grabbing a comic other than not stabbing the things and spitting on it as you hand it to the customer.

After narrowly escaping my desire to bash his head in with a random Batman statue, he then felt the need to brag more about what he just sent to be graded and slabbed. This is what I would refer to as the air juggling session of the dickery combo, right before continuing with the actual attack.

As the customer was looking through his pile, he complained that he got number 3 of an issue and not numbers 1 & 2. Then he found a number 2 in his pile and complained he didn't get a number 1. Keep in mind he was very agitated and really wanted to express his concern over the missing issues. Then he complained he was missing an issue of something else, but got the issue after it. Then he found the copy of #1 of the three issue series on the bottom of his pile. Then he found the other book he was complaining about under that. They were there in his hands the entire time.

So the lesson is: STFU AND LOOK THROUGH YOUR ENTIRE DAMN PILE BEFORE YOU EVEN SAY A SINGLE WORD TO YOUR CLERK.

Then I think the finisher move was him trying to pass on something he preordered, and then pouting about it whe I said no. It was that or his complaining that comics aren't well produced enough because it's hard to find 9.8 or above copies to send in to be graded and slabbed.

Either way, you should all be very glad I never finished my doomsday device because you would all be crispy fried at this point. Or frozen in a glacier, I never decided just what kind of device it was going to be.

Here's the really sad thing. This customer is just one of many who act the same way. Many many many. There's a fine line between collector and speculator. I have plenty of customers who are concerned about condition in their vintage books, but of those customers I know that they actually do open and read those books. They enjoy, and they collect. People who just collect for the sake of monetary gain are doing it wrong. In general, customers of this type seem to all have that hint of greediness behind their character. It's very interesting to actually see it in action and how it shapes their interactions and their attitude about the industry. And by interesting, I mean soul crushingly painful.

That was kind of a long rant there, sorry. I'll try to post something more positive soon.

I'll take a couple thousand of 'em

Now to weaponize them just a little more......

We meet again, my arch-est of enemies

So you know that dude I hate? Well, he's actually small game compared to my true archenemy. I say archenemy as no exaggeration because every time I have to deal with him I pretty much feel like this:

pic via ComicBookDB

I lose a small part of my ragged and shriveled soul every time I meet this guy. In fact, I'm fairly sure my soul has been replaced with nothing but pure rage and contempt just because of this dude. I hate him more than that dude I hate. Just.......just check this shit out. This is in no order, it's just the shit he pulls. Like every time. For ever. And ever.

-Kicked up a major fuss over .05 cents worth difference in the total the register gave for his purchase vs the total he came out to in the calculator. Yes, he carries a little pocket calculator and spends like 30 minutes every purchase figuring out his costs. If your budget is this tight, you should probably just stop with the comics.

And I mean a fuss. Like he would not let it go, so to shut him up I just tossed him the change from my pocket. It was that day I sadly discovered that the mental daggers I was throwing at him with my mind were not lethal at all.

-Has asked us numerous times to buy him something from another store and then resell it to him with his subscription discount because we sold out of it. For reals.

-Told me he didn't want to order a $50 book, but he wanted to see it so he asked if I could order it. It was a random piece of crap, so I said no we need a pre-order for it because I have no confidence it would sell. So he then asked me to search through all the other stores in the city so he could go and look at it. My hatred aura makes babies cry within a one block radius wherever I go.

-Constantly filled his order forms in the following way: Items marked in pen meant he for sure probably wanted them kinda, while items marked in pencil meant he sorta kinda wanted them but not enough for a 100% commitment, more like a 60% commitment. That shit.....that shit does not fly with orders. And it would always be like a $50+ box of Xena collecting cards or something like that he scribbled down in pencil. Not to come down on Xena, but seriously I am not gonna order those cards without a commitment.

-Will ask my female co-worker a question, then completely disregard her answer and ask a male worker the same question.

-Will come in and look at the books in his subscription constantly, but never buy them until some point at the end of the month. So he always has us pull them out so he can inspect them. Just....just come in once a month. Please.

-He came in one time and hung out for like an hour like he usually does, and I helped him on and off. I was sick that day and feeling kinda nauseous and bleh, so after he left I excused myself to the restroom cause I felt horrible. I hear his voice and he has come back in and asked someone where I went, they say I went to the restroom, and he says he will wait. I would have broken through the wall into the next store over if I only had a hammer. And he totally waited me out too, the bastard. I open the door and he is like staring at the restroom door. And his question? Do I think if some random comic will be worth collecting, cause y'know, all this shit we buy today will pay out millions of dollars in the future. skfsgzghf;lv;ls

-Expects any comics he might sell (to us, a retailer) full guide price if not more.

-I am 96% sure he never ever ever ever ever reads his comics.

-Oh and he will interrupt other customers.

Now take all of those, and repeat. Constantly. Every week or so. I am still leaving stuff out.

When I finally enact my terrible doom plans on this planet, you'll know who to blame.

Horrible Horrible Vengeance

So, employee Jon made it to the store early today only to discover we flooded. I got a phone call so cabbed my ass down there and yep. Super fun happy time. And so began the great times of moving wet boxes of comics and soggy toys and vacuuming well over 100 gallons of water out of the store. And y'know, that doesn't count the water soaked into the foundation.

Bleh

And the cause? Apparently one of the tenants in the apartment above left a hose attached to the side of the building, and then wrapped up the end of the hose towards the back of the building, specifically behind us. And then someone left the water running over night.

I shall wreak a horrible horrible vengeance upon this person if their identity is ever discovered.

The sad thing is we are fairly used to this crap, since this is like the 6th major flood problem we've had. Actually, it might be more than that. What kills me is that of course, today had to be one of the worst days for customers I wanted to atomize into......well, atoms.

Idiot roll call:
-Dude who blamed me for the quality of events and shows in the greater Seattle area. Curse him for seeing me as the true master behind the entire social scene of a city.

-Dude who rummaged through all the soggy wet boxes I was placing out on the sidewalk and then asked if he could have them.......you....you go ahead man. I don't wanna know.

-Dude who knew we flooded cause he got the email newsletter I sent out with the title BIBLICAL FLOODING, then mentioned oh yeah he got the newsletter, and then wanted to talk on the phone with nothing important to say.

-Dude who came in and proceeded to do nothing but talk at me while I'm moving stuff around and cleaning. I CARE NOT FOR YOUR LIFE STORY.

-Dude who comes in at the last 5 minutes of the day and expects me to stay open past closing time. I will find a way to atomize your atoms. Seriously, that is how profound my anger is. SUB-ATOMIC PARTICLES ARE TOO GOOD FOR YOU.

Thankfully, that Dude I Hate did not show up.

So yes. Home now, yay. Rice for dinner, woot. Ranting out of system, hooray.
Now to dream of evil plots and horrible things to unleash upon the world tomorrow.

Bali Mangthi Kali Ma!

Not much of a Valentine Day person, but found this amusing.

Found it here

To That Dude I Hate: God, I Hate You So Much

So he comes in again. Picks up some books from his subscription, grabs a few more from the shelf.

Comes to me to cash out. I ring it all up, give him his discount and subtotal. Oh he doesn't have enough.

Has me void a book out. Kind of a pain, cause the system doesn't take into account discount & tax on a void, so I gotta work the math but whatever.

.....still not enough, need to take another one out. Bah. Couldn't.....couldn't just add it up ahead of time, could you?

He took like the only good books out, but whatever. Hands me some cash. And then he DUMPS A CRAPLOAD OF PENNIES IN FRONT OF ME AND TELLS ME TO TAKE WHATEVER I NEED

I SHALL CREATE A TIME MACHINE JUST SO I CAN KICK YOUR FATHER IN THE NARDS

To that dude I hate: I HATE YOU

You just had to linger around and bug me over the course of nearly two hours while we processed our late shipment from last week because YOU HAD to have your copies of Brave & The Bold and Superman/Supergirl. AND THAT WAS ALL YOU BOUGHT.


MY HATRED FOR YOU BURNS LIKE A NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST

What I Want For Christmas pt5

MwehehehehHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH

What I Want for Christmas pt4

Cursed Skull of Ultimate Power. Can transform your darkest wishes into reality and doubles as a paperweight. $24.99 at Target.

What I want for Christmas pt3

I don't know what it does, but I know I need like 5 of 'em. Just so I can totally mess with whoever is gonna try and disarm the doomsday device. I'll be all like, psych! wrong one FAIL CLOUD

What I want for Christmas p2

Oh my yes.

What I want for Christmas pt1

So many death ray models to choose from...

Think I'll take all of them.

And hell yes throw in a Tesla coil in like every room of the evil lair. I don't care if it ain't practical.

I....I think I need that

Man, and that guy looks like he's just having a blast.