Sidenote

The picture in the previous post is also a good representation of what I felt like when I read the cover to the latest Wizard Magazine:

"Todd McFarlane Career Retrospective!"

combined with

"Mark Millar on how the Marvel heroes die!"

combined with...well, virtually everything else in the damn thing

ps: Sorry if I come off as a comic snob but...........well, fuck you

Urge To Kill, Rising....

Seriously, if I have to continually listen to just how Mark Millar is the best writer in comics ever, I am going to develop mental powers just so I can start exploding heads with the sheer hate in my thoughts.

Or maybe more like this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HY-03vYYAjA

IF IT WEREN’T FOR MY HORSE........pt2

More stirring dialogue forced into my brain like a dull blade

.....

" Well, they are all in perfect shape." (Said as a page nearly falls out of the book being held up)

.....

" You sell comics but you don't sell Elvis collectibles? That's kind of weird."

.....

" What the fuck kind of place is this, you don't sell cigarettes?"

.....

" I can never get into DC comics, they focus too much on the story."

.....

"What does the number on the cover mean? They all have a number on them." (Yes, customer was referring to issue numbers)

.....

Customer: Can you pull me down that 3-D Superman comic?
Me: Uh, sorry, that’s not a 3-D comic, it’s a comic with a vinyl record.
Customer: Well, I want the 3-D Superman.
Me: Well, I’m sorry, but there isn’t a 3-D Superman up there. Just the vinyl record.
Customer: What does that mean?
Me: It’s, uh, a comic with a vinyl record. It has an audio story on it. They made them in the ‘70s.
Customer: Well, I want the 3-D Superman.
Me:.........I think we need to stop this conversation.
Customer: Well I want the 3-D Superman, are you going to get it for me or not?
Me:.........no.
(Now repeat that entire interaction another 3 times and you’ll have the full affect of crazy. )

THE ‘YOU ARE NOW AUTOMATICALLY SUSPICIOUS’ QUESTION

One of the questions we as retailers never ever want to hear you ask is, "What’s the most expensive/rare comic you have?" Unless you are a little kid accompanied by a parent, you are now automatically on the potential shoplifter list. And do you know why, motherfucker? Because there is no reason whatsoever that you need to be asking that question if you happen to:

-Look like you can barely pay your utilities let alone for a rare comic

-Be wearing clothing 4 times your size

-Look like a person who collects those little pamphlets that have pictures of missing children on them

-It's the first thing you do/ask when you enter the store

-It's the last thing you do/ask after you were obviously CASING THE STORE

-Your girlfriend looks a little high and/or dead

-YOU ARE TWITCHING LIKE A MUTHAFUCKA

And 9 out of 10 times, it’s always one of those guys.

YOU LEFT YOUR BABEH!

This middle aged woman and two younger guys come in one day with a box of comics for me to look at. I can’t remember what kind of crap it was, but I do remember it was pure uncut crap. So I politely tell her we are not interested and that maybe she should take it to a used book store. Well, she takes kind of a defensive tone and starts asking why we don’t want it. I pretty much just explain that it’s all from the wrong time period and that we have too much of the same material at the moment. Now, keep in mind that when she first came in she explained that she didn’t really know anything about what she had. But after I tell her we aren’t interested she suddenly becomes an expert. She starts going on about how valuable it all HAS to be, and that we must be trying to pull one on her. Well, since I passed on the collection and didn’t actually make any type of offer, it’s a little hard to see that argument so I just apologize again and tell her we just aren’t interested.

She gathers up the box and calls for the two twenty-something boys (children? friends? lovers? who gives a fuck?). They all leave in a huff, visibly pissed off because they didn’t get the $500 they assumed it was worth. Then a couple of regular customers that were in the store come up shaking their heads, asking what that was all about. They overheard the bulk of it, so it wasn’t like I had to explain much more. But then we all hear a rustling behind a display across from the register area, and we turn and look. And lo and behold it’s the 4 year old kid the woman brought in, just going hog wild looking at all the toys in the store. Now this is about let’s say maybe 5-10 minutes after she left that we notice the kid. I’m about to look outside to see if I can spot the mother when one of the customers pretty much breaks down laughing. And I’m just trying my hardest to not laugh, because you know, lost children aren’t exactly comedy gold. But seriously, if you heard just how much of a crazy whack job this mother was and you just saw her leave all dignified and sure that she was absolutely right and she JUST ABANDONED HER CHILD, well, you may have giggled just a bit.

Don’t worry, the kid didn’t even realize. She was too awestruck by all the primary colors around her to give a fuck, and I get a feeling that may have been one of the few moments of peace she had in a while. The mother ran in just a few minutes later, all flustered, and picked up her child quick as quick could be.

Guh

Ever had those days where you're fairly sure at least some small percentage of your soul has died a horrible death?

You would think new comic day would be a better day, but not when you're trying to organize over 3000 units among 400+ subscription customers. Roughly it takes a minimum of 7 hours to process the entire shipment. All the time while the store is open, and people want to talk to you and interupt. And they wonder why you are not done yet, and complain that the shipment isn't taken care of EVEN THOUGH YOU JUST OPENED >.<

Fun times.

I wonder how hard it really is to start a nuclear armageddon.....

I get paid to physically destroy comics? SWEET

Seriously, it feels great to tear the covers off of comics.

Especially when it's like 100 copies of DC's Trinity that never sold and you can actually get credit back on those damn things.

Now the tough choice is whether to start a bonfire with the remaining pages or to do something far more sinister.....

Creepy Porn Moment # 74

So while we don't have an adult section at the store any more, we do carry a number of Japanese import toys. This does include anime/manga girl pvc figures, which tend to sell fairly well in general. We don't order any of the nude ones, and we try to keep it at least somewhat sorta kinda tasteful. As tasteful as this crap gets, anyway.

We also sell them online as well, to keep them moving out of the store at a good pace so we have room for the new ones. On one particular figure, we get a question regarding the ah, outfit. So the request gets forwarded to me since I'm on shift at the time, and it's basically about the color of the girl's panties.

Seriously.

I don't have a pic of the exact one, but it basically looked like this to give you an idea:
So yeah. Never thought I would have to look up a plastic figurine's dress to send an email about the exact color of her panties. Ever.

Curse You, Japan.

Curse you.

ps: AND THE FUCKER DIDN'T BUY HER

A sad thought

Is it pathetic that while looking at a list of alcoholic beverages during a friends birthday, I managed to instantly find the drink called the Harvey Dent?

Or is it more pathetic that I'm so poor that I couldn't afford to order it?

Recipe: HARVEY DENT CONTRIBUTED BY KEITH FROM HAZELWOOD
OLD OVERHOLT RYE WHISKEY, FRANGELICO, & CYNAR. A COCKTAIL OUT FOR VENGEANCE.

Don't screw with Herbie

from Herbie Archives Vol1 published by Dark Horse

Creepy Porn Moment #234

One time, there was this guy back in our adult section, right? He spent over two hours in the poorly lit and altogether disturbing area that was the back of our store (the adult section is all gone now). So closing time comes along and I tell him he needs to bring whatever he wants to buy up to the register and we need to close up. Well, he takes his sweet time and finally brings a Japanese porno comic up front. I start to ring him up, and it turns out he’s like fifty cents short. I say whatever just take it and go. So he goes and we close down the store, and about 10 minutes pass give or take. The bastard comes back to the door and knocks. So I go to see what he wants and I open up. And then the bastard has to go and say, " I don’t need this anymore. You can have it back." And he proceeds to take the book out of his pocket and try to hand it to me.

As far as I'm concerned, there is no real good reason to have an adult section. At all. Ever.

Something different

Every once in a while I might post up some pics I've put together, no real reason. Just a breather between the spurts of anger.

HAHAHAHA YOUR CHUCK NORRIS COMIC IS WORTH NOTHING, YOU BASTARD

So this old craggy bastard comes in and says, "I have this old comic, it has to be worth something, you should buy it." I take a look and it's a beat up copy of Chuck Norris #1, published in 1987 by Marvel's then kids line Star Comics. So I say, "Sorry, not too interested in that. It's a bit beat up and not really worth anything." The craggy bastard then explodes in a litany of swearing and cursing, and storms out of the store.

Now, you would think that would be something that pissed me off. But seriously, the awesomeness of the whole thing kept me going for the whole day. That dude had a whole lot invested in that Chuck Norris, I guess.

WELL PLAYED POKEMON, WELL PLAYED INDEED

You know those trends that you just hope you don’t have to endure for too long, but they do eventually go away? Yeah, kinda wished that was the case here. Because for the life of me, I will never be able to tell the difference between all these stupid little rat creatures and whatever the fuck a ‘Squirtle’ is. But they’re still here, and going just as strong for our store as ever. And I suppose there could be worse things. As pointed out by my boss, the game did give his daughter the incentive to focus on her reading and math.

Everytime a new set of cards comes out, we get swamped with kids dragging their parents in. So not only are we getting extra business but we are getting more kids in the store in general, and that is never a bad thing for this industry considering it’s what the focus should always be in the first place. So as much as I hate the damn things, they are a boon and an important part of what being a comic store should be I believe.

IF IT WEREN’T FOR MY HORSE........pt1

Sometimes, you just hear something so stupid coming out of a person that you realize that you're all alone in a cold dark world. That as much as you want to believe in human achievement and that all people are good at heart, really, you're just swimming in a sea of madness and you're only choices are to drown or be eaten by sharks. I don't even know what that last sentence really means, but I know I believe it with all my heart.

"I'm just a real big fan of comics, I've always loved them. The idea of comics. I don't buy them though."

.....

"Can you authenticate this back stage pass to a rock concert? Cause you guys are connected, right?"

.....

Customer: Can you tell me anything about this book?
Me: I've honestly never read it before, so I can't tell you too much. You grabbed a later volume though, volume three.
Customer: What does that mean?
Me: Well, uh, that there is a volume one and two.
Customer: What does that mean?

.....

(After persistent attacks on the door)
Me: Can I help you?
Idiot: We wanted to come in.
Me: Well, uh, we are closed (points to closed sign).
Idiot: Well yeah, but we wanted to come in.
Me: Well I’m sorry, but I closed out the till.
Idiot: Oh, so you're closed?

.....

"I never thought people would actually try to make a living off this type of stuff. It just seems so silly." (Said directly to someone who is making a living off this stuff. And think of the most condescending tone you’ve ever heard of).

I SHALL DESTROY YOU ALL

Comic Book Retail! Gee, it must be fun! Anyone who works at a comic book store must have a lot of fun and have it real easy! It's not even a real job, really!

Seriously.

Words cannot describe the sheer amount of hate I experience on a daily basis. Like a million exploding suns.